hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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