my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
