I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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