I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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