he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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