I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
