I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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