I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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