we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
