he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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