She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
