When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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