and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
