I can't breathe out the right side of my face
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
should my penis look like a turkey
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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