I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Michael Bay diarrhea
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
