Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
