Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
