Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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