I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I have demons in me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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