Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
