Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
