someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
