we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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