Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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