if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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