i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
