he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
