Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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