seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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