just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
