I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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