My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
