how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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