that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
