i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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