smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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