I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
