Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
