I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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