what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
