If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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