No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
