She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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