have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
