I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
