smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
