chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
