i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
