Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My penis needs a shock collar
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
