I woke up to her vacumming the grass
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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